Baby, You’re Worth It

Judsenwarrior

Somewhere between bills, PILES of laundry and if you are mom of boys- cleaning pee off every surface of the bathroom, we are expected to produce independent, confident, respectful, kind, loving, hardworking adults into this world. Holy Buckets, that is a lot being asked from us sleep deprived momma’s.

Not too long ago, my oldest told me about a run in with someone at church. A situation that he had mulled over in his sweet many times before he brought it to me, I’m sure. During a small group like situation a peer told my baby that he is weird. Dang it, the first real encounter with hurtful words had fallen on us far earlier than I had hoped. It was in that moment that my fully unprepared, short fall filled , low self esteemed self had to say something that bandaged his broken heart while simultaneously building his self confidence.  The words that flowed out of my mouth shocked even me… “who determines your worth?” I asked. The intelligent nugget responded with the exact response I was looking for “God”. No single human is powerful enough to determine if you are in fact worthy or not.

I can’t be alone in the occasional internal cringes when your kiddo wears or does something that is “weird”. I want my kids to be accepted & loved , never experiencing heart break for being themselves. I also want them to be confident in themselves, never feeling like they are here to please man. While we are listing lofty, impossible goals…I also want a hobby farm and a million dollars without working …

As much as it often kills me , I keep my mouth shut about what they put on their bodies. Somedays, that means we are going to Target looking like “people of walmart”. Somedays that means that one of my kids wears the same orange shirt every single time we leave the house so it looks like he owns approximately one shirt. Why do I not just dress them & do their hair?? Because: 1) I want them to have a choice. I would DIE if someone told me what to wear everyday. [Scratch that, maybe I would love that. As long as it included my favorite pants, sent directly from Jesus- black leggings, I’d be game to have someone dress me cute… hum…] 2) I want them to be able to experience making decisions as often as possible. Teaching your kids to trouble shoot when the cost is low is ideal. Yes, its just choosing pants & a shirt. However, it really lays a foundation for the whole make good choices thing. Or, so I’ve been told. 3) I want them to feel as if they can express themselves via clothing/hair… even if that self-expression leads others to believe we are homeless with no access to running water. 4) I don’t want them to feel the need to impress others. I don’t want them to think their value is found in having perfect hair or wearing the perfect outfit. Good hair and cool clothes mean nothing if they don’t make you happy.

If you see me in public, all of us looking a hot mess. Don’t forgive me, I am not asking for forgiveness. Because that would imply that I would , at some point, ask you for permission. Instead, be encouraged that my Mikey Mouse, Army, Starwars Ninja Man is walking around with more self confidence that you or I could only dream of having.  Because, he is WORTH more than the most precious, highly sough after tangible thing in the world and so he can wear what he wants.

 

 

 

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A Life Changing April Fools

I’ll be honest, epic April Fool’s jokes are NOT my gift. That doesn’t stop me from trying year after to year to get someone good. This year, however, my joke has quite a bit more weight to it than putting a rubber band around the sprayer on the sink.

My poor, hard working, helpless husband was at the end of my prank gone wrong.

It was a normal Monday, my eyelids heavier than wet sand, irritable kids coming off a weekend away, a TLC Hoarder style house & a husband at work up to his eyeballs in to-do’s. As my soccer mom duties crept up , the thought of putting on a bra and sitting in a Church Lobby for 3 hours while my kids took turns having Basketball Practice sounded about as fun as ripping my big toenail off.

Like the amazing wife that I am, I texted my previously mentioned busy husband saying “Tag, you are it. Basketball Prac at 4:45p”. OK, if your husband is like mine, his job isn’t going to allow this to happen. But again, I am an amazing wife that makes his life SO easy so I just thought a little guilt trip was the best thing for him. He responded that he had meetings and couldn’t. I, of course, handled that with such grace and understanding by sending the ol’ passive aggressive thumbs up.

The poor soul then proceeded to ask me if that was a “sarcastic” thumb… If he knew what was about to be unleashed on him, I am pretty sure he would have NEVER said that. I mean, after being together 14 years you would think he would have learned by now. But, lets cut him a some slack. He probably would have gotten the same verbal lashing even if he didn’t ask.

My internal feelings of the last 4 months came pouring out onto the screen & once again AMAZING me hit send. I went on about how I am expected to be Mom, Wife, Housekeeper, Teacher & an employee at a job that makes me miss all the fun & family time while he was essentially ONLY wearing the cloak of MAIN PROVIDER, Husband & Dad. Just wait, it gets better. I boldly followed that word vomit with “I am quitting my job.”

There is just so much to my story of leaving my Managerial role that provided half our income, our health insurance & our place of residence. Too much to type in an manner that 1) people would want to read & 2) that made any kind of sense.  But, the premise of my life over the last 1.5yrs was taking a step of faith. The Lord could NOT be more clear about His plans for me- sending people that I didn’t even know to say very specific things to me that made the whole situation undeniable. So, we lept. But, not fully. I KNEW I was supposed to leave my job fully, instead I stepped down in to a COC roll. BECAUSE HOW ARE WE GOING TO AFFORD LIFE? THERE IS NO WAY! As the months went on, it was painfully clear that I made the wrong decision to stay on.

After no response to the “I am quitting my job”, I had the bright idea to say “I just submitted my resignation. I am done at the end of April.” I was going to ride this April Fool’s joke as far as I could. If you know me, that won’t last long. Playing the game “BS” involved me taking a sip out of a cup everything I talked because I CAN’T LIE!

Basketball Practice ended, I got the troops home and in bed… I needed a way to make this seem real. I needed to pull off an epic prank for once. I was ready to scream “April Fools” at the top of my lungs while laughing in his face that I finally got him. I drove home my quitting prank by acting stressed that I wasn’t sure how we survive without my income. I joked about the things I’d have to do in order to help pay the bills. Even I convinced myself that I actually quit. I began to panic and tear up. Know what he did?? He hugged me, told me it would all be ok & that we would figure it out somehow.

HE HUGGED ME AND TOLD ME IT WOULD BE OK!?!?!?! Where is the “YOU DID WHAT?!” or the “WE CANT SURVIVE WITHOUT YOUR INCOME”… where is the big moment where I get to scream “APRIL FOOLS?”. I held him tight & shed a few real tears. What is happening? Is he calling my bluff? I kept silent and started researching ways I can make money at home without being at work.

This morning, he sent me a lead for someone to do in-home daycare for over the summer. I continued to play along, wondering how long this joke was going to go on. By afternoon, all I could think about was actually resigning. Actually following down a path I know is right but makes ZERO sense. A quick phone call to see test the waters yielded no further reaction from him. I couldn’t let him win, I couldn’t let him say “April Fools” first. I also couldn’t keep lying to him because I am an amazing wife and amazing wives don’t lie to their husbands. On that call, I divulged that I was lying but that now I really wanted to actually quit. Know what he did? He told me to do it.

Here it is 4/2/19 and I am 26 days from being unemployed. I have had some sort of steady income since I was 15. Do I know 100% what life will look like? Nope. Am I scared? You Betcha. Am I excited? Absolutely. Sad? More than you know, I’m attached to my people at work.

I’m ready to see where this life takes us, hopefully to one that doesn’t involve us loosing everything over an April Fools joke.