My monstrous phone screen is black with the exception of the red circle going round and round like a modern take on the game snake. I don’t quite understand how one ginormous internet company can’t manage to provide service that actually works. All I want to do is watch Netflix and drift off to sleep before the cries of one hungry 11 week old calls my name. But, no. Netflix isn’t working because for the 30th time tonight our Internet is out.
In an overly dramatic way, I exit my app to see if for once my Sprint service works in my humble abode. Of course I have no bars!!! That’s when I notice the time… Is it seriously past midnight? Why am I still awake, scratch that, HOW am I still awake. It’s most definitely not because I had a low-key, bon-bon eating, TV watching, pajama wearing day.Nope, it’s because im stressed. The reason? Because in just 5 short days I push play and my life goes back to its crazy yet wonderful self.
This season, my 12 week maternity leave, is the closest I’ll ever be to being a stay at home mom. I’ve spent my entire life saying “I could never be a stay at home mom” and thought I meant it. Truly, I was just lying to myself to avoid ever letting myself entertain the awesomeness of that gift. I even avoided long leaves with my others because “I couldn’t be away from work too long”.(Disney!?! Yeah worked 80% of it… wow,I’m my dad). The only reason I was taking a full leave this time is someone nearest and dearest to me “forced” me to take a FULL leave. Now I dream, very literally, of being a stay at home mom… The kind you see in satires. Messy, dirty hair, wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt chasing her kids around like a trex hunting a triceratops.
You see, for the last 11 weeks, that’s all I’ve been… MOM. I learned that being uptight and quick to yell was what I was doing and not what how I want to be. I learned that my kids don’t care if the house is clean or a big meal is prepared. As long as Jayden has clean underwear ,Josiah has his tiger pants and I’m able to make chicken with bbq, life is golden for them. I learned that all to quickly my 5yr old went from a little newborn to a wild krats loving story-teller (don’t talk to him if you have less than 30 min to chat ). I blinked…I stressed…I planned… I misprioritized…. I failed to stop and just live
I was on edge all day today. Like you better not breathe wrong or I’ll snap on edge. Why? I’m already thinking of all the things I need to do when I start working again on Tuesday. How my entire week is already filled up with shifrs and meetings not to mention the 3 months of things I need to catch up on. Truth is, my job really isn’t stressful. I mean it has it’s moments but overall it is a dream job and I wholeheartedly LOVE it. I choose to let the to do list that lingers, stress me out. I choose to think and worry about all 17281827 possible outcomes of every situation . I chose today (well yesterday if we are being technical) to allow stressors of the future take away from the joyous moments I could have had with my boys. ( They were being a handful today, I wonder why…. They are feeding off of me.)
As I navigate back into working, now with 3 kiddos, I will fail. I will. My life is perfectly imperfect after all. However, I can’t allow fear of flight to keep me from trying to be the best mom and best employee I can be. I am called to be where I am now, for a reason. While its pretty cloudy as to why right now, I know that someday it will all make sense.
So here I go, with soaking wet eyes, to attempt to watch Netflix again. Shut my brain off, close my planner (that one will hard) and spend this weekend making memories. Take life day by day being intentional.
Who knew Comcast’s shotty service could teach me so much!?!